When Kim Kardashian was voted off Dancing With The Stars last week, the message was clear - Kim, your sex tapes are OK, but your dancing is bum.
However, there’s a sliver of a chance that we haven’t seen the last of Kim Kardashian on Dancing With The Stars yet, and it’s all down to Misty May-Treanor’s knackered Achilles tendon. Now that May-Treanor’s out of Dancing With The Stars, Kim Kardashian is said to be awaiting her callback.
And quite right - Kim’s already been voted off Dancing With The Stars once, so her inevitably swift second elimination will just reaffirm how little America cares for her. But if she got a third call-up after that we’d worry - we get the feeling that only a marching band playing a tune called Nobody Likes You Kim and a firework display in the shape of a frown would make Kim Karadashian understand how people feel about her.
Ballroom dancing, let’s face it, is easy. All you need to do is fake a small amount of affection for your partner and then spin around for a bit pulling a face like there’s a disgusting dirty orphan pulling at your trouser leg asking for money. Anyone can do it. OK, anyone except for Gary Rhodes. And Misty-May-Treanor, for that matter.
Despite being a two-time Olympic beach volleyball champion - and therefore being in possession of as much athleticism as it takes to stand around on some sand playing an inscrutably complex game with a bit of string wedged between your arse - Misty May-Treanor was forced to quit Dancing With The Stars this week because she snapped her Achilles tendon, or something equally gruesome-sounding.
But, then, you know what they say - if participating in a lonely masturbation fantasy loosely disguised as a sport doesn’t get you, then participating in a lonely masturbation fantasy loosely disguised as a reality TV show will.
But, anyway, with Misty May-Treanor out of Dancing With The Stars, that leaves the show a dancer down. And who better to fill her spot than Kim Kardashian, a woman who’s already been judged to be worse than terrible at dancing?
And, really, Kim Kardashian is completely ready to return to Dancing With The Stars. Because, you know, otherwise she’d only spend her time having it off with men and filming it for the internet, and we all know how dull the results of that can be. So, speaking to Ryan Seacrest on his radio show, Kim Kardashian laid out her masterplan:
“If they ask me to, I’m available. I’m back home tomorrow. We’ll see!”
That seems to be a solid enough plan to us - 13 words of badly-defined, noncommittal murmuring. She’s in, folks!
Or, more likely, she’s not. If Dancing With The Stars let Kim Kardashian back, then it’d probably have to refund all the money to everyone who voted for her to be eliminated first time round. And, really, that’s a lot of money. Kim Kardashian was quite awful.
So expect a polite thanks but no thanks from Dancing With The Stars to Kim Kardashian’s offer. But another bitter rejection won’t destroy Kim’s love of dance - she’ll continue to dance in private.
Well, we say ‘in private’. Chances are she’ll film all the dancing and put it on the internet for her fans to download. And we say ‘dancing’ - we actually mean ‘having sex with men.’ Basically, Kim Kardashian’s going to have sex with some men and put it on the internet. That’s close enough, right?